Jerk Man’s dating life
Jerk Man gave up on conventional dating years ago.
Why? Have you ever tried going on a first date and having hundreds of people coming up to your table and asking if they can “grab your meat”?
Dating Jerk Man is like dating Charlie Sheen; it’s not for everyone.
Its much easier to stream the Prince station on Pandora, pour myself a nice glass of Budweiser Select 55 (even Jerk Man has to watch his figure) and logon to one of my e-dating sites.
Even this plan of attack does present its difficulties. Take for example this conversation from one of my e-dates last Friday:
JerkMan4Life: Hey there tiger cat!
NoMeatGal11: huh? Who says that?
JerkMan4Life: sorry, just trying to make convo. So what are you getting into tonight?
NoMeatGal11: Not too sure, might call some of my girls later and get a game of twister goin’ like old times.
JerkMan4Life: Wow…that is just…awesome.
NoMeatGal11: and what might you be doing on this evening?
JerkMan4Life: taking it easy tonight, letting some Prince bump through the speakers and sipping a beer.
NoMeatGal11: Interesting, didn’t realize anyone still listens to him.
JerkMan4Life: what ever, that’s neither here nor there, what do you do for a living?
NoMeatGal11: I’m a chef at an all vegan restaurant in Boulder, CO.
JerkMan4life: ah, that might present some problems.
NoMeatGal11: really? Most men are impressed that I can cook a 4-course meal using absolutely no meat?
JerkMan4Life: I’m not.
NoMeatGal11: Ok Jerk Man, what do you do for a living anyways?
JerkMan4Life: I wear a suit of beef jerky; over 300 bags cover every crevice of my body with MEAT! Oh, and then I let people pull the bags off of me.
JerkMan4life: I see I’ve left you speechless
NoMeatGal11: you haven’t left me speechless @$$ w#$%, I’m just disgusted.
JerkMan4life: What ever baby, literally hundreds of people can’t get enough of me, Ill be fine without you.
NoMeatGal11: you were never with me.
JerkMan4life: Listen, its just not going to workout between us. I gotta let you go. I gotta move on.
NoMeatGal11: PLEASE STOP MESSAGING ME.
JerkMan4Life: Maybe in another life NoMeatGal11 this could of worked out, until then, take care of yourself.
And so my heartbreak continues. People look at me and on the surface see a man that everyone loves to be around, a man that has that gravitational pull about him.
Yet even with the hundreds of people flocking to me every day, I still feel lonely. At the end of the day, when all my fans have gone to sleep, and all the bags of been pulled off me, I’m just a man…a man in a Velcro suit…alone and empty.
Feel free to send me dating advice, words of encouragement, and or your resume if your interested in dating me.
Meat, jerk, love -
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